The Bible Bus

As I start to write this blog I need you all to know I have like 18 other blogs drafted in my computer that I can’t bear to re-read. Much like my fear of taping my stand up and putting it online, that feeling is starting to spread to my blogging world. I need to snap out of it, but I can’t find an app for that.

I watch Below Deck, but in no chronological order other than the one that’s presented to me on the back of airplane seats. From what I can see, their transition days between purging passengers (“guests” if we’re gonna play corporate) and re-upping, seem pretty fun. They eat all the amazing food the chef makes, drink bubbly, laugh and do each other. My life, on the other hand, is a little different. My “in between” days I feel like a kid who has to change schools half way thru the school year. Like “Wait, but I like those people! I have to make new friends now? Oof.”)

Amidst all my anxiety, I always have to disembark, to allow the ship to go down to a zero count.  I have to clear immigration even if I’m staying on board and then my choices are the following:

1. Join the back to back cruisers in a room where we will all walk to customs together, then walk back on the ship and never see each other again which I always find mysterious. (Hey, there are close to 5000 guests on board.)

2.   Walk off with no suitcase, among all the people with various coloured luggage tags, creep people out by having no suitcase, wait in a shit show of people trying to go to the airport and destroy one Uber/Lyft’s soul by just wanting a ride to the nearest Starbucks (3.1 miles away) 

OR:

3. Take the Bible Bus. 

Okay, that’s not really what it’s called, but to be fair I’m more into nicknames than real names. (I have to call by BF “Cheffie” cuz I’m at capacity for Johns.*)

Now one thing you need to know about the Bible Bus, is you don’t have control of where it goes. The first time I boarded, I literally had no idea where I was headed, but hey… I love a surprise. As long as you get me back before all aboard time, which I’m so OCD about, I take a picture of every time I leave the ship, I’m cool with the adventure. It’s a little like church on wheels. If you’re trying to get your screen time down, I highly recommend. Nothing will make you not look at your phone like someone standing on a moving vehicle talking about the Lord. Listen, to be fair I really respect these people. I should be out there trying to get more followers myself. 

(Here’s today’s all aboard pic. Don’t let me miss the boat.)

I had heard rumors that the Bible Bus goes to Wal-Mart, but I was a little skeptical. I took the big guy for more of a small business supporter. Alas, when we made a right on to whatever highway that I don’t remember the number of, as opposed to a left, I knew we weren’t going to Cocoa Beach. (Huge bummer cuz you better believe I wore my bathing suit just in case.)

When we pull up to the big WM I was relieved to see not everyone got off. Yes! A SECOND stop. Surely this one is NASA. Straight up into the skies for Heaven’s open house so we behave later in the crew bar. 

Wrong again. It’s a mall with a JC Penny. Part of me was excited. Haven’t seen one of those in a while. I wonder if there’s a Mervyn’s too. As I got off the bus, I thought I should tip. Like the basket that floats around at church (Ya, I’ve been.) I’ll feel too guilty on the ride home if I don’t show some form of support. I don’t want the driver to feel like me when I follow someone on IG and they don’t follow me back. 

The mall was a little eerie, full of shops with unrecognizable brands with clothes for $19.99. (Tops.) I did love the book store though. It was heavy on the bibles, bible covers, faith journals- this was great for my brand of literature that was conveniently in a discount bin for $5. (With all due respect to Reese’s book club. That’s my jam but I fully found one there.)

The kids bible section I found the most interesting, cuz much like the comparisons between my kids and adult shows on board, I can’t picture the grown up bible having anything that should be rated 18+… unlike my late show.

On the way home I thought I was getting back on the Bible Bus, but as it turns out it was just a guy  from Tampa named Terrence. Charged everyone $5. Luckily I had a ten on me. 

Before I got out I couldn’t resist looking back at him and asking,

“Have you ever considered finding Jesus?”

Might have worked if I wasn’t wearing my Mets hat.

“You got on the wrong bus, didn’t you?”

Always.

Until next time, my patient Substack readers,

The S.S. Walkinshaw

*I’ve also been told I know a lot of Steves.*

P.S. I’m ALSO scared that taping my sets will jinx it and THAT will be the show that sucks. So ya, if you wanna see me, come see me.

P.P.S. SO weird I don’t write more, eh? But here’s me yesterday on my day off in St. Thomas and it’s pretty obvious the sun was shining too bright to see my computer screen. (Insert smirking face emoji.)