The Cruise Ship Comedian

Chapter One- Still "Living The Dream"

Well, here I am, two plus decades into chasing my dream of being a stand up comedian. If the trajectory of my career had a GIF it would probably be the heart monitor of somebody going into cardiac arrest. From JFL to EKG. I’ve had some ups, I’ve had some downs. I’ve said yes to things I wish I said no to, and no to things I wish I said yes to. I’ll never know the outcome of making alternate choices. This isn’t Sliding Doors. All I do know is I’m a 44 year old living the dream of my 18-year-old self. 

It’s taken me a long time to get where I am today- Multiple years of wondering how I was going to get to a gig with no car, months of wondering when I was going to write a good new closer, and a million days of sneaking into my restaurant boss’s office hoping he doesn’t see me scribble my name in the “Days Off” book AGAIN. (Stop asking comedians if they’re a “full-time comic.” You’re giving them a complex and they’re just trying to pay their bills.) Maybe I’m a late bloomer, but I only figure things out so fast. And the only reason I’m okay today is because I’m a cruise ship comedian. 

The cruise ship comedian is easily mocked by the land comedian. Apparently we’ve all been doing the same jokes for thirty years. (Ummmm… I’ve only been doing comedy for 25.) We only do bits about the buffet and the boat. We’re all hacks and will never be relevant on land again. 

“It’s where comedians go to die.”

I’ve heard it all. 

There was even a time I actually agreed.

But now here I am doing it.

And I’m grateful.

To be honest I don’t know how I’d be surviving without it. I’m not on TikTok, I have no desire to update my very dated YouTube clips and I fucking hate asking people for anything. (Both professionally and personally.) The fact I got recruited for a steady job in stand up comedy is nothing short of a miracle. Does it get emotional sometimes? Sure. It’s up to you to decide if every smile or glare you receive on board is a result of your comedy or completely random. As the wife of an old comedian “pal” once said to me, “You have a fear of being hated.” (She nailed it.) 

I’ve been avoiding putting clips of my comedy on social media cuz I don’t want to be bullied by online trolls. Ironically, I’m now cohabitating on floating cities with people who may or may not like me. (I’ve always learned my lessons the hard way.) But the fact is, we all come together on the ship when we need more Ranch.

It’s also worth noting that I am one of the few women doing comedy on cruises. I get why I’m a  good candidate for this job: I’m single, childless, and funny (I hope.) Most comedian moms I know have straight up told me they couldn’t just hop on a ship and leave their family for two straight weeks to tell jokes. I said this in front of a male comic with kids recently and he got very defensive. (Yikes! Was NOT my intention.) He explained in an Adderall infused speed how his wife is okay with him being away, and how they make it work perfectly. I wasn’t trying to throw him or anyone else under the bus, I was just trying to point out the fact that MY current social status keeps me with a glowing green available light beside my name. I can pick up a last minute gig and the worst that happens is I have to cancel a yoga class.

Is this career/lifestyle hindering my current dating life? Hahahahahhaah oh you have no idea. I’ll get into that more as I continue this blog. Ship life as a single person is a combo of fantasizing about being with someone you like on land, while simultaneously fucking a crew member who might have legal issues getting into your country. (Contractually we can’t sleep with the passengers, which is why you don’t see that in the commercials.) 

The last layer I’ll throw this first chapter of my life as a cruise ship comedian is this: I do in fact live in New York City- a place I consider Comedy Mecca. And yet even though I’m a “full-time comedian,” I feel like nobody knows who I am here. I should be hustling to get more spots at all the cool clubs but sometimes I get home and don’t feel like getting in the game. I’m so exhausted from doing shows for weeks on end I don’t have the energy to hit the scene and try to explain to some booker who I am, or what I’ve done. Do I feel some envy from all the comedy posters I see online and am not on? Of course. Am I doing anything to fix that? Nope. Instead I’m reading menus online from restaurants I saw on the Food Network while at sea and plotting each meal of the day. New York has become my weekend. 

I know my feed has a GIANT gap since my last post. I got trolled and was like “F this place I’m outta here.” (It might have legit sucked.) But I’m diving back in because I really hate taping/watching myself and can’t edit for shit to make clips for Reels, so what other proof will the world have that I’m a comedian? (IRL perchance?) 

There’s no shortage of stories out here. A couple months ago a guy fell overboard on one of my ships, treaded water for 18 hours and lived. If he can do that, surely I can put myself on the Internet again. (I am mildly offended he went missing right as my show was starting though.)

So I hope you enjoy all the next wave of my career. I think my 18-year-old self would be excited I’m still “Living The Dream…”

Even if the dream is becoming increasingly more lucid.